jaegermaestro (sp?) talks about "alone" and I know..
I don't want to make it sound like "dejected black haired boy writes about alienation" because it's not JUST that; I am going through, belatedly, a certain rebellious "cry cry I'm so ugly no one loves me phase" but more than that---I meant:
I am in the mountains, or close enough for all of you people who've never seen snow let alone had to readjust to living a mile above sea level, both LITERALLY..And...Figuratively.
I am with my family for the summer, again, and I don't know anyone or anything about this town I live in. I have a job at a bookstore--so I go to work, I go home, and I entertain myself. ALL---pretty much--alone. I love my family in that--you put THAT in THAT and THEN I came out of THAT---so I must love both of you. (that's an oversimplification--but I'll have to cut out pieces or we'll be here all day)
I feel tense at home because I disagree both politically and...Just in general with my family and to discuss anything in detail with them just means raised voices, tears from my mother eventually, and then averted eyes for the rest of dinner.
SO: I walk.
Everynight I wander the little suburb that I live in; I walk up and down past a thousand beige houses and, late at night, it feels like I really am alone.
All the houses are dark and quiet and it's just me and the wrrrr'ing sprinklers.
It does so many things to a mind like mine *a paranoid mind, a hyper mind, a starving mind* to walk out into the dark--with nothing to distract. At first I go crazy--I spiral down through the bad years in Germany and then through the people I've hated and loved and then back to the future and school and work and dreams and what am I going to do---I only have a year left to decide everything....And on and on.
and then I look up and there's a shooting star. It's funny to think that in all the years I spent in Florida I probably only saw 1 "shooting star" and in these few weeks I've seen several. I've seen stars here that I probably haven't ever seen before--but I can from this height and this particular darkness.
the first few weeks were the worst--the lowest of the lows--but now it's getting better; I've gotten in the habit of talking to my friends on the phone on my walks and---it's almost like they're really here.
*next time I'll save my writing for when I have something good to say....Okay? Promise*
I don't want to make it sound like "dejected black haired boy writes about alienation" because it's not JUST that; I am going through, belatedly, a certain rebellious "cry cry I'm so ugly no one loves me phase" but more than that---I meant:
I am in the mountains, or close enough for all of you people who've never seen snow let alone had to readjust to living a mile above sea level, both LITERALLY..And...Figuratively.
I am with my family for the summer, again, and I don't know anyone or anything about this town I live in. I have a job at a bookstore--so I go to work, I go home, and I entertain myself. ALL---pretty much--alone. I love my family in that--you put THAT in THAT and THEN I came out of THAT---so I must love both of you. (that's an oversimplification--but I'll have to cut out pieces or we'll be here all day)
I feel tense at home because I disagree both politically and...Just in general with my family and to discuss anything in detail with them just means raised voices, tears from my mother eventually, and then averted eyes for the rest of dinner.
SO: I walk.
Everynight I wander the little suburb that I live in; I walk up and down past a thousand beige houses and, late at night, it feels like I really am alone.
All the houses are dark and quiet and it's just me and the wrrrr'ing sprinklers.
It does so many things to a mind like mine *a paranoid mind, a hyper mind, a starving mind* to walk out into the dark--with nothing to distract. At first I go crazy--I spiral down through the bad years in Germany and then through the people I've hated and loved and then back to the future and school and work and dreams and what am I going to do---I only have a year left to decide everything....And on and on.
and then I look up and there's a shooting star. It's funny to think that in all the years I spent in Florida I probably only saw 1 "shooting star" and in these few weeks I've seen several. I've seen stars here that I probably haven't ever seen before--but I can from this height and this particular darkness.
the first few weeks were the worst--the lowest of the lows--but now it's getting better; I've gotten in the habit of talking to my friends on the phone on my walks and---it's almost like they're really here.
*next time I'll save my writing for when I have something good to say....Okay? Promise*
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