Skip to main content
the coffee stirrer i'm holding has the words "you think too much" printed on it and i'm staring at those words, silently, across from the man who told me just five minutes before that he "[doesn't] like sex." i feel like crying. yet, it is amazing how fast you can get out of bed, get your clothes on and get a cup of coffee after hearing something like that.

he's 30. he's japanese. he's typical of the gay japanese men that i've met in that he's neither "out" nor even "sure" of his own sexuality. he's that sort of fledgling gay, the kind who requires a few drinks to be happy about it.

right after disclosing the fact that he doesn't enjoy sex he told me that he wanted to be with me, to "date" me... just... without sex, at least at first. "maybe i could learn to like it..." this whole conversation just a week after the first time we had sex and he told me, "for me--'no' means 'yes."

he's 30. he's japanese. he's typical of the japanese men that i know in that he's always "busy." though i don't know that he work could be much good if he's in the office eleven hours a day, six days a week. this is also typical.

i feel betrayed and i feel rejected. i try to accept the obvious--that he has big issues--but i just keep coming back to my own issues and the fact that i've been here before. dejavu. another morning, months before, i got an email that said, "thanks for last night. i am happy to meet you. i had fun. you are not my type. farewell." or another time, a night about two years ago, i'm in bed and i'm cuddling with a boy who tells me that "if i sleep with someone on the first date then we can't date."

he's typical in that he's telling me that i must choose no sex and a relationship or sex, but no relationship or no sex NOW, but maybe sex someday... it's funny, in a way... i know that christianity, and it's puritanical ways, is part of the reason why i left the U.S.. I wanted to go somewhere I didn't feel bad about being gay or about not being the macho-ist guy in the room. Now... I do feel fine about being gay, but I'm surrounded by people who don't. I guess, does this mean it's time to go home?

i'm thinking all of this, silently, as i sip my latte. he's quiet too, but i've come to expect that in my men here. i do think too much.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

winter, loneliness and the tragedy of online personals

*a forgotten post from December 20th...last year* it is officially winter now, isn't it? or are we waiting for a sign--perhaps a lonely snowflake or at least a bit of lacy frost on the window? all i get, other than closer to my winter vacation, is exhaust when i exhale. i guess there is one other thing i get this time of year--the need. i am one of those people who rarely feels such things--I don't write long long entries in my diary about MY crushes...otherwise the pages would be rather virginal. but, this time--this place I'm spending far too much time wandering and flinging glances like lances into beautiful people's eyes. I must mention here, as well, that I am sure I could have SOMETHING, if I get desperate, but who wants to jump into...hah...maybe most people... I am probably on almost every single online dating site in Japan. I'd list them here but they're all rather redundant and, dearest readers, don't worry about me sullying my reputation; I...
Post a Comment
Read more

flick flick flicker, and go..............

I retreated in dissapointment to my car that was parked in staff parking to smoke a cigarette and listen to tom waits on the way home. I felt a bit of ecstacy. I felt very close to my surroundings. Threatened at the gas station, and admiring of the city in which I live. The road constructions, never quite done here, are we? the meddling men with no where to go, the diurnal downtown streets, the neons greens and reds directing me safely home once again.
3 comments
Read more

The aftermath: gay, hail, and the probability of hell

The only sin, unforgivable, is to doubt the holy spirit. I knew that today would be special when it started hailing. You see, in Florida it rarely hails. I sat outside of my house, windows fogged, staring out at dime sized bits of ice bouncing off my poor car. It was more than 80 degrees and still the bits of ice fell. What does that say of heaven? I wore a prom dress out tonight--a black dress with lace and gloves and pearls and silver cross ala early Madonna, if you can imagine. I had a fear, the whole night, about who, and who would NOT, come to this event. I had spoken before about "code words." these were words that we had predetermined to mean "I really mean this--take me seriously..If you are my friend..DO THIS." and my fear was that few of my friends would take my cue and come to the dance that I had spent weeks planning. Few did, but the few that did were priceless. Sometimes we doubt the friends we have and sometimes we trust the friends we do not ...
2 comments
Read more